Starting over

It’s time for a new chapter. I want to get back to being who I was before all the abuse. I know on some level I’ll never be able to be who I was back then, in a way I feel I’ll be better. With all the awful things that came from that abusive relationship, it also taught me so much. It definitely showed me I’m much stronger than I thought. And that no matter what, my family is there for me.

I’m scared though. What if I just fall back into the habits I want to get away from? What if the temptation to drink is stronger than I am? What if I fail? I’m trying to ignore those fears and trust in God for strength. But damnit it’s scary. I’m so scared I’ll let people down. I’m scared I’ll let myself down. I’m scared I’ll be stuck in this same spot, spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.

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Questions

Is my alcohol abuse a new way for me to self harm? A new way to punish myself for the things I’ve done?

Why, do I want to hurt myself? Why do I want to punish myself?

Have I grown used to things being chaotic and nerve wracking I panic without chaos?

I don’t know how to forgive myself.

How could I have let someone manipulate me like that!? Am I really that fucking weak!?

Did I let J change me?

Was I just too scared to stand up for myself!?

Was I simply afraid of being alone?

Did J manipulatee into believing that without him, I would be alone?

Was I just vulnerable prey for someone as narcissistic and manipulative as J to see how far he could push someone?

How do I start over?

A possible place to start… Not sure what page to start on… I’m 24, not quite married for a year. My husband says he’s trans, but he will never sacrifice our relationship for becoming a woman and starting our family. I believe him. fully believing this is where I’m supposed to be, and with who I’m supposed to be with. He’s been grooming his manipulative tactics on me the entire time we’ve been dating. Trying to manipulate how I view myself, my actions and beliefs. I don’t even notice at first, I think, maybe this is part of me. Maybe this is what I’ve been battling for years. I let him influence me sexually. I let him… influence me to a point I experiment sexually. My boss at the time said she was bi-sexual so he was able to further influence me through her. We (at a party at her house) got drunk (he wanted pictures of everything that transpired) we kissed etc. for a few hours, I’m sure to his pleasure. That was actually the second time I let him manipulate me. The first (what should have been a huge warning sign) was when he sexted a friend. I felt… furious, backstabbed, betrayed, disappointed, utterly defeated. My self-esteem was so low, I was so broken.

You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

— C. S. Lewis

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